Our weighty ills are propelled by our soda habit. Pepsi Cola has rolled out a limited-time launch of a new coffee-cola beverage, called Pepsi CafeĀ®. TheĀ roasted ArabicaĀ coffee-infused drink comes in two flavors, original and vanilla, and includes nearly twice as much caffeine as regular Pepsi. Now you can quench your thirst for sugar and re-arrange the living room in 30 minutes, although Pepsi OneĀ® contains 57.1mg of Caffeine making it the most caffeinated soft drink and the choice among those who have given up on cafĆ© Cubano.
A 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola, for example, contains 140 calories and roughly 10 teaspoons of sugar. One 20-ounce bottle of cola contains the equivalent of about 16 teaspoons of sugar in the form of high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), which will cause your insulin to spike with a slight case of Exophthalmos, making your eyes gently pop out ever so slightly, causing anyone looking at you to think there was a frog in your gene pool.
Sugar adds weight gain. In 1960, the average American male weighed about 166.3 pounds. Today that has increased to 195.5 pounds, with an almost 30-pound gain. Why? Three words: Pizza home delivery.
The nations obesity problem is like a giant weight that weāre tasked to carry on our gut to showcase our never-ending quest for high fructose corn syrup which is in practically everything we eat and everyone we know.
With the obesity epidemic growing faster than demand for any new Apple product, America needs to control the problem in its own inimitable way, with a quick clever fix.
Fix 1: It could mean altering the clothing size labels in Chinese factories so the āXLā for āExtra Largeā will be changed to āLā. Those who have bought XL will now buy āLargeā which would be sort of an indication that theyāve lost weight. Simple, elegant!
Fix 2: have the Senate Committee on āSafe Nutritional And Consumable Know-Howā (SNACK) issue a statement on snacking in America. Funded by PepsiCo and Kraft. it will prove beyond a doubt that not only is snacking fun and healthy but with every purchase of Nutter Butter or Chips Ahoy youāll help the countryās economic expansion while adding to your own. Thatās what we call a āNuclear spinā.
The Countryās theme parks also know this and as a result have expanded their outreach to oversize Americans.
Among the popular new exhibits:
A healthier lifestyle display shows kids the dangers of fatty foods by asking them a sample question about nutrition and if they get the answer wrong, sliming them with oleo as they enter the exhibit. Hosing them down as they leave shows how fat āsticksā to the body and how difficult it is to get rid of it.
The āTunnel of Loveā type ride starts off to the tune of āItās a Small World After Allā and segues into the Mary Poppinsā song A Lagoon Full of Sugar makes your Life Span Go Down. Your carriage morphs from a broccoli stalk into a Pringles Chip canoe and floats down a river of chocolate. Youāll be handed a large straw (paper) for the occasional sip. For those who need a more healthy ride, the dark chocolate portion will be ready in spring of 2022.
As youāre asked to rate your favorite junk foods on a scale of 1 to 10 the chip starts to sink and just before it vanishes you jump off into a faux gingerbread gym and are met by a Richard Simmons look alike, who makes you āSweat to the Oldiesā before you can leave the ride. Any weight loss will translate into coupons good at any snack stand located throughout the park.
The Union of Concerned Snackers (UCS) immediately took umbrage and proclaimed, āHow dare Disney mock this great big nation’s size. Snacking at a theme park is an American tradition like cooking with lardā.
Fat Albert joined Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who responded through their lawyer and said, āWe were drawn large and thatās the size of it. Sometimes, no matter what you say to the artist, you just canāt slim down no matter what you do.
Disney, caught in a whirlwind of controversy, responded with a total ban on the sale of snack foods from its theme parks on alternate Thursdays between 6AM and 9AM when the moon is in Scorpio.
Unfortunately, the airlines havenāt done a thing about widening their seats!
