Our weighty ills are propelled by our soda habit. Pepsi Cola has rolled out a limited-time launch of a new coffee-cola beverage, called Pepsi Cafe®. The roasted Arabica coffee-infused drink comes in two flavors, original and vanilla, and includes nearly twice as much caffeine as regular Pepsi. Now you can quench your thirst for sugar and re-arrange the living room in 30 minutes, although Pepsi One® contains 57.1mg of Caffeine making it the most caffeinated soft drink and the choice among those who have given up on café Cubano.

A 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola, for example, contains 140 calories and roughly 10 teaspoons of sugar. One 20-ounce bottle of cola contains the equivalent of about 16 teaspoons of sugar in the form of high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), which will cause your insulin to spike with a slight case of Exophthalmos, making your eyes gently pop out ever so slightly, causing anyone looking at you to think there was a frog in your gene pool.

Sugar adds weight gain. In 1960, the average American male weighed about 166.3 pounds. Today that has increased to 195.5 pounds, with an almost 30-pound gain. Why? Three words: Pizza home delivery.

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The nations obesity problem is like a giant weight that we’re tasked to carry on our gut to showcase our never-ending quest for high fructose corn syrup which is in practically everything we eat and everyone we know.

With the obesity epidemic growing faster than demand for any new Apple product, America needs to control the problem in its own inimitable way, with a quick clever fix.

Fix 1: It could mean altering the clothing size labels in Chinese factories so the ‘XL’ for ‘Extra Large’ will be changed to ‘L’. Those who have bought XL will now buy ‘Large’ which would be sort of an indication that they’ve lost weight. Simple, elegant!

Fix 2: have the Senate Committee on ‘Safe Nutritional And Consumable Know-How’ (SNACK) issue a statement on snacking in America. Funded by PepsiCo and Kraft. it will prove beyond a doubt that not only is snacking fun and healthy but with every purchase of Nutter Butter or Chips Ahoy you’ll help the country’s economic expansion while adding to your own. That’s what we call a ‘Nuclear spin’.

The Country’s theme parks also know this and as a result have expanded their outreach to oversize Americans.

Among the popular new exhibits:

A healthier lifestyle display shows kids the dangers of fatty foods by asking them a sample question about nutrition and if they get the answer wrong, sliming them with oleo as they enter the exhibit. Hosing them down as they leave shows how fat ‘sticks’ to the body and how difficult it is to get rid of it.

The ‘Tunnel of Love’ type ride starts off to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All’ and segues into the Mary Poppins’ song A Lagoon Full of Sugar makes your Life Span Go Down. Your carriage morphs from a broccoli stalk into a Pringles Chip canoe and floats down a river of chocolate. You’ll be handed a large straw (paper) for the occasional sip. For those who need a more healthy ride, the dark chocolate portion will be ready in spring of 2022.

As you’re asked to rate your favorite junk foods on a scale of 1 to 10 the chip starts to sink and just before it vanishes you jump off into a faux gingerbread gym and are met by a Richard Simmons look alike, who makes you ‘Sweat to the Oldies’ before you can leave the ride. Any weight loss will translate into coupons good at any snack stand located throughout the park.

The Union of Concerned Snackers (UCS) immediately took umbrage and proclaimed, “How dare Disney mock this great big nation’s size. Snacking at a theme park is an American tradition like cooking with lard”.

Fat Albert joined Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who responded through their lawyer and said, “We were drawn large and that’s the size of it. Sometimes, no matter what you say to the artist, you just can’t slim down no matter what you do.

Disney, caught in a whirlwind of controversy, responded with a total ban on the sale of snack foods from its theme parks on alternate Thursdays between 6AM and 9AM when the moon is in Scorpio.

Unfortunately, the airlines haven’t done a thing about widening their seats!

 

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