Want to smell like him? Warning: this article contains alternate facts.
The president, while running the entire country, has also opened the greatest, most phenomenally exclusive gift shop in the world, just a hop skip and indictment from the Oval office. Open only to true supporters and those with a credit card, the 1800 square foot shop has shelves loaded with gold plated gifts, the likes of which the world has never seen.
A spokesperson opined, “It will stun you with glitz and ostentation”. Faux gold abounds everywhere to give a rich feeling to every purchase. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me; the fragrance of someone’s money. The store is open, and the White House gift shop is fully stocked with the kind of gifts that will make your liberal neighbors throw up in their mouths!
The master of all things grandiose has come up with another way you can be like him without having to go into bankruptcy. The original Trump the Fragrance! used to be $60 for just 3.4 ounces but now you get less for more! Here’s where Donald has trumped himself yet again. This business venture includes a pair of colognes that retail for $249 per 3.3-ounce bottle. The scent is called “Victory 47-45” for men and women true to their sex at birth.
The numbers 47-45 could be seen to represent his highest approval ratings. Give the gift of Eau De Trump for Father’s Day, Arbor Day or any day you wish to ‘rail against, well anything’!
The fragrance comes in a small container inscribed with Trump’s thick signature and is topped by a gold statuette of a con man in a business suit that doesn’t resemble the president as a young man, but is, presumably supposed to.
The president also unveiled his Trump sneakers at Sneaker Con in Philadelphia. He’s selling a pair of the gold sneakers, listed for $399 and named the “NEVER SURRENDER HIGH-TOP SNEAKER.” It’s based on the premise that he surrendered but didn’t actually surrender.
When the holiday gift giving season begins sometime in early September, followers can fill their carts with everything trump. Tis the season to get deeper into the Holiday spirit by getting deeper into debt. Debt means never having to say you’re solvent. There are so many presents, who can decide? So many sales, who can attend? I just didn’t need the Taser me Elmo!
What’s the present du jour? What does every person have to have to satisfy that nagging feeling that the advertisements and commercials are right. You’ve got to have this stuff to live! Consumers want the latest video games, the latest clothing and of course the latest scents, but what scents don’t make sense? Celebrity fragrances!
Did you think he would call it anything but his own name? I’m sure he rejected a few names like Cash-A! The description of his aroma says ‘woody undertones, rounded out with spicy, peppery accents. The finish comes from exotic woods and has earthy, herbaceous and spicy notes. Sounds like a wine review.
What proud American patriot would not want to wear a solid gold-plated dog whistle with
the Trump insignia, consisting of 2 tiny hands around the throat of an immigrant? for
only a low $229.95?
The White House has announced a line of flowers, fresh from the uprooted Jackie
Kennedy rose garden. “My designer roses will win her over. Don’t worry about the cost.
There’s no interest and 4 years to pay. It’s the best rose, the most magnificent rose, and
I’m not bragging “. I have all the good roses. And our greeting cards have got more lace,
bigger hearts and better words than any other Valentine cards. There’s more sentiment
packed into each card. The hyperbole alone will win over even the most hardened of
haters.”
If you can’t pre-order for a much later delivery if any, the gold-tone branded sneaker line
which, incidentally, will make you ‘fly through’ any police line like a ‘man on a mission to
rule the world’.
Have you seen this ad? “Take advantage of a bible written just for your patriotic tastes.
It’s much more than just a simple religious text, it also contains a copy of the
Constitution, Pledge of Allegiance and a list of all the people who have “done me wrong”
so you, true patriot, can take matters into your own hands. Do like Jesus and turn over
the tables of their well-ordered lives.
