Lolita, the killer whale, who has entertained and splashed crowds at Miami’s Seaquarium her whole life, will be returning to her native waters after more than 50 years in captivity. The move has been funded by Jim Irsay, a philanthropist and owner of the NFL’s Indianapolis Colts football team. He hopes to pick up free agency for the orca in a possible slot on the ‘O’ line. Irsay said, “Look Lolita is a mammal, we’re mammals, what’s the dif? Unfortunately, the shoulder pads didn’t fit so she’ll be transported to her childhood home.
At 57 and not yet eligible for social security, she’ll be looking for some help with the rest of her life out of captivity upon arriving at her new residence. Selling some of her used pool toys could bring in extra cash, and a stipend from PETA for allowing her image to be used could also add some comfort. Mario Cristobal and the University of Miami football program’s angel, John Ruiz, who is funding football players for their NIL (Name Image and Likeness) offered to keep Lolita here if she would block the tunnel of opposing teams and not let them on the field. These are said to be distractions for the Orca, as she is looking toward her future in the pacific northwest cavorting freely with other sea creatures and then eating them.
Having never seen the USA she’ll explore the country on her way back to Washington State. A spokesperson for the mammal said, “Lolita said the rents here are unbelievable and she’s happy to be moving north to be with family after about fifty years in the Seaquarium bathtub.
The Governor stepped up and offered a flight. “Have you ever been to Martha’s Vineyard” he said. We’ll ship her “As long as she identifies as a mammal. What’s her personal pronoun?” Upon hearing that, Lolita said, “I’ve heard enough! we’re going to make a stop at Disneyworld for the next gay pride parade. Why do you think they never added a male orca to my pool?
Driving the sea mammal north on the Florida Turnpike would pose problems at the toll booths and every time they stopped there would be a crowd looking to be splashed. The big question is what parts of the country would Lolita like to experience? Of course, the route would have to be along less travelled roads, cutting down the number of cars slowing for a whale taking up all the lanes.
Knowing that Lolita is a killer whale, trainers should be on guard if they allow her to make a stop at any well-known attractions like the little mermaid show at Weeki Watchee Springs. They wouldn’t want her to get too excited and accidentally take out a couple of the mermaids. It wouldn’t look good on her resume.
In the Sunshine State, look for the odd and unusual. Lolita has expressed an interest in seeing Gatorland so she can jump in on the gator wrestling exhibit and show them a few tricks.
Stuckey’s Truck Stops heard about the move and volunteered to produce a pecan log roll to commemorate the journey. They’ll use the Orca’s favorite dish of krill, a shrimp-like crustacean and call it ‘a whale of a krill roll.’ Lolita’s handlers have also entered into an agreement with Carvel to produce a Fudgie the Whale knockoff, sort of a krill cake. It will be an ice cream cake which they say will be bigger than the Kitchen Sink concoction at Jaxon’s in Dania and sport a larger-than-life chocolate crustacean with moveable antennae on top and retail for only $39.95.
Along the way, for her Facebook fan page, Lolita will post accounts of PETA sightings and what she ate for lunch.
