Every five years the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health and Human Services issues new federal food guidelines. It includes a section on ‘healthy snacking’ which is an anomaly. It’s either healthy or you’ll ‘snack’ away your cares as you seek a larger pair of pants in the closet. No, although Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, and a favorite, Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips are tops in flavor, they’re high in all the ingredients that will turn you into a zombie with no vim and vigor to rise from the oh so easy chair.
The latest regulations include a daily regimen of 5 eight-ounce cups of regular coffee. “That would serve to increase productivity” said Federal spokesperson Hal Menomeny. “If people are moving faster because of the caffeine, think of the improvement to the bottom line of our corporations. Miami coffee drinkers scoffed at the amount. “That’s the equivalent of a single cafecito” Said Julio ‘Speedy’ Ortega, a bicycle messenger during one of his 12 to 15 daily stops at a sidewalk cafecito stand.
Most startling are rules for school children which will break down minimum acceptable doses of high fructose corn syrup. “Too many nutrient-void, calorie-rich foods like sugary drinks, refined sugary grain products like cakes, cookies and pies are getting a bad rap” according to USDA spokesperson Stephanie Bilbough. “We think kids need that ‘boost’ in the morning to get them going. Let the teachers deal with the aftermath when students start ‘crashing’ at 10AM. The High fructose Corn Syrup Council (HFCSC) has informed us that sugar in any form is a vital nutrient for a healthy mind. Don’t ask your doctor!”
“I’m not going to ‘sugar coat’ this” smirked schoolteacher and dietary aide Belinda McNamara. “Elementary age children should have at least a full cup of HFCS equivalent to 8 to 10 ‘fun size’ bags of Cheetos® or Cheez Doodles® before starting school. This fools the brain into thinking it has had a nutritious meal. Of course, if they’re eating the ‘puffed’ variety, they’ll need much more. It would be cost prohibitive to test the student’s sugar levels every day. We don’t really know if the kids have been getting their HFCS unless they have orange fingers. That’s something we can easily track.
24 to 36 ounces of soda is also acceptable with Mountain Dew® being at the top of that list. You know that’s what they’ve been drinking because their eyes will dart about like neutrons in the Large Hadron Collider.”
“We’re going to introduce a course on ‘creative healthy snacking’” said school board member Hank ‘Henry’ Lipshitz, “Did you know that Cheez-its® contain all the nutrients a student needs to thrive during a testing period? We’re currently experimenting with dunking the Cheez-its, in a heated Cheez Whiz mixture. This powerful cheese on cheese snack is something I’m sure originated in Wisconsin during a snowstorm when the cable went out and that’s all they had.”
A side benefit is that the money America spends on snacks in one week could balance the budget and have enough left over to buy every man woman and child a health club membership.
The Snack Food Association and the National Potato Promotion Board (NPPB) proclaimed February as ‘National Snack Food Month’ to increase consumption and build awareness of snacks during a month when snack food intake was traditionally low. Either that, or February is the shortest month and we’re coming down from a Super Bowl Doritos® high.
Snacking is the great American pastime. Go stock up! And if you feel guilty, buy the puffed version.
