It’s tourist season and what does that mean to you? It means you have probably begged off various in-laws and their kids who wanted a free week at your house during the holidays. And it’s just because they believe you live in ‘tourist heaven’.
The definition of a tourist is someone who wants to get away from their day-to-day schedule and experience a different more expensive day-to-day schedule. Let’s welcome them and their wallets to sunny South Florida!
To our tourists:
You’re welcome to all we have to offer, including the traffic you brought with you.
Get ready for sunny days and drink filled nights of adventure. We’re cheaper than Disneyworld and I-95 should provide all the thrills you could take.
Don’t get us wrong, we’re basically happy natives. We’re happy you’re here and we’ll be happy to see you go. Note to Canadians: Is it true that your license plates emblazoned with Je Me Souviens on it in French, now says ‘an apology is needed’?
Here are some tourist guidelines to help make your stay a memorable one. We’re now officially open 24 hours a day.
To enjoy us 24/7 drink lots of, and repeat after me, Cafecito and cortadito. The drinks that never let you say, “I’m tired, just drop me off at the hotel” If you’re used to paying $4.95 or more for a Starbucks Latte Grande, just see what a tiny cup of Café Cubano will do for that mid-afternoon slump. Don’t bring Sweet and Low, Equal or Splenda because you’ll get a huge rush when you see the amount of sugar going into the mix. Science fact: A half pound of sugar can dissolve into a tiny cup of ‘Cuban speed’ faster than a legitimate open parking spot on a south beach street.
If you want to enjoy the taste for a few hours, don’t chase it with the optional water. In fact, the best mid-afternoon pick-me-up in town is a brown bag of 6 for a dollar churros and a cafecito. Remember to support our local street vendors, but no matter how attractive their story, don’t buy a mutual fund from them.
Take out your snowbird checklist and see if you have your SPF 784. Don’t worry; the white goop will not identify you as a tourist; your black socks and shorts will do that.
Now, for the more interesting sights, go on a trip to the everglades for an airboat ride; but don’t get your hair done first. Get a ‘map of the stars’ and see where Sonny Crockett used to hang. Don’t worry if everyone you ask says “Who?”
Enjoy our local dishes. Anything with eyes is good to eat if it has been deep fried for at least ten minutes.
On South Beach, pay more for one drink than you pay for a whole bottle back home. You may not be able to get into any ‘chic’ or ‘trendy’ spots but that’s not because you tried to give the doorman two dollars. Chalk it up to the way you dress.
Don’t worry if it rains and the power goes out. Remember, you’re in the tropics and these things happen. Pretend you’re on a small island in the Caribbean, and soon you’ll get back to the civilization you know and trust.
Remember these things and we’ll see you next year, same time, same hotel, higher rates.
