Home for the holidays is more than a slogan, it’s a hopeful sign that all is well with the world and that yes, we can go home again. And when your home is here in Miami Springs that certainly rings true. The Miami Springs and Virginia Gardens environs are a true oasis in the maelstrom of life in south Florida.

This is why we don’t like to leave the zip code. Having said that, if you can’t or won’t shop on the internet for gifts you’ve got to (Spoiler alert!!!) LEAVE THE ZIP CODE. Scared? You should be! Make sure that if you do leave, wear something that doesn’t look like you’ve shopped at Walmart. Their dress code policy for associates is typically more relaxed than other retail stores and will certainly be WAY MORE different from the customers who have no such dress code. We’ve all seen the pictures.

OK, relax, no gift giving is worth the incessant pain of a trip on our roads, is it?

No matter how long it takes you to pick out a gift, historically, every 6th gift will be returned. (Except any on Dave Barry’s list of unusual gifts) What’s the gift with the most returns? Shoes! The most re-gifted item? Candles. The gift people like to talk about? fruit cake! There’s an urban tale of a bottle of bath salts that was re-gifted 145 times.

What can you buy for the person who has everything? A box of nothing, which is a current front-runner for gift of the year as far as I’m concerned, and it’s less than $10. It’s actually nothing in a beautifully wrapped package. As the gifted one opens it and sees nothing in the box, you may see a glimmer of recognition based on the crappy gift you offered last year.

For that unique gift to the hunter of your choice, join the ‘jerky of the month’ club. Unless it’s swaddled in dark chocolate, it’s a dead end for me, but many people shivering in a duck blind trying to chew some of those tough animal parts, find it quite tasty. Of course, it may send the signal that says, “You have no taste” but I’m inclined to believe that it may be a huuuuge under-reported re-gift. Be careful about gifting this as the giftee might see themselves as jerk-like which is not a happy holiday wish.

A fun offering this year could be the dissolving swim trunks birthday prank funny bachelor beach party gift. (Real gift) Make sure the intended giftee has a really good sense of humor for obvious reasons. Comes with a get out of jail free card.

The worst gift could be a coffee mug with someone else’s picture on it, with wrinkle cream coming in a close second. In that category, self-help books or some used magic underwear from any Utah based Goodwill store are included.

A lazy dog owner would welcome a present that looks like a full doggy bag that can be carried along the dog walk so you’ll look like you’ve picked up after Fido. Good prop!

The ultimate present is one that keeps on giving and what home would not be complete without a mood ring toilet? The mood toilet seat is scientifically designed to have the exact same reaction to body temperature as a mood ring does. It will change color after you sit down on it. Wouldn’t life be more interesting when you find out just how colorful your butt is?

Mood ring toilet seat



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Buzz Fleischman is a Humorist and singer/songwriter of ‘irregular songs for regular people’ and a character actor who has appeared in and voiced TV commercials and radio. He currently hosts and produces the Joltradio.org interview show “On the Record and Off the Wall’. http://www.joltradio.org/artist/on-the-record-and-off-the-wall-with-buzz-fleischman Buzz was the humorist on the NPR affiliate WLRN for 12 years and has been a featured speaker for significant local and national conferences, conventions and organizations. He is a docent at the Curtiss Mansion and is fascinated by the history of Miami Springs and its interesting residents. http://www.theradiobuzz.com


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