We’ve got problems here in Florida with invasive species. Not your relatives who wish to avoid hotel costs and spend a few (Or more) nights with you in a 3/2 with one bathroom. If only they had been more forthcoming about any inheritance you might be in line for, you would have filled the fridge with plenty of beer and cornered the market on snack foods. No, we’re talking about other pests who could allow us to feel better about their creepy crawly life if only we could see some upside. Miniaturization has made that possible. When you moved here from a non-cockroach State, (C’mon, really??) did you realize that we have a species that can fly? Are there any good aspects to this dirty little bug? I don’t think so!

Let’s agree on one thing. Cockroaches are bad, except when they can save your life. I’ll explain. Search and rescue dogs, while wonderful, have their limitations – namely, the inability to fit into tiny spaces. Oh, a rescue team can shove a Chihuahua into a tiny hole but the yelping will drive everyone crazy. If you get lost in the Swiss Alps and a St Bernard comes along with a cask of brandy it’s not good.

You’re still lost but now you’re drunk as well. Waking up from a bender and finding you’re in a snowbank is worse than losing your train of thought when trying to explain your erratic actions on the road to a cop. Besides, does that cute little cask under the dog’s neck be enough booze to help you forget where you are and how you got there? Probably not. When you drank all the brandy and the St Bernard starts to walk away, bored because that was his job and now it’s over, what do you do? You’re drunk, still lost and no dog, but not all emergencies happen in the Alps.

A team of researchers has come up with a solution to the small space search question. They equipped cyborg cockroaches with high-tech computer chip backpacks. I know how a child will squeal and fidget on the doctor’s examining table but imagine how an innocent cockroach feels when one moment, its scurrying across the floor and the next they’re gluing a Radio Shack transmitter onto its back. PETA then spun off a small insect unit called People for the Ethical Treatment of Roaches (PETOR).

These cyborg cockroaches have a quarter-sized pack placed onto their back equipped with microphones to pick up high-resolution sound. Normally the only sound that cockroaches hear, are screams when they’ve been discovered. Here’s how it works. Their antennae help them sense their surroundings sort of like college students scanning for girls at a spring break beach.

Upon contact with any physical object, an antenna sends an electrical signal to the roach’s brain, which tells the insect to adjust course around whatever is in its way. Technically speaking, the signal says, ‘Hey, you’re going to get stepped on, better get the hell out of there’.

That’s why searchers will often send that Chihuahua in first with a sign around its neck which says, ‘We’re sending in roaches, please don’t stomp’.

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