Let’s Enjoy Every Single Calorie; They Don’t Count On Thanksgiving!

Let’s all take a collective breath and think about the sheer number of calories we consume on Thanksgiving. OK, exhale!

The ‘Calorie Control Council’, (CCC) an international association representing the low- and reduced-calorie food and beverage industry (A real council) reports that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories and enough fat to produce three sticks of butter on Thanksgiving Day. When they discovered this fact, the ‘average American’ ran outside and threw up. When they came to their senses, they then realized that if they could sell those three sticks of butter, they would make enough money to buy more food.

If you find that information alarming, families who don’t cook have a lifeline from Costco. They’re selling a 27-pound container of mac and cheese which will serve 180 guests. It’s pre-made so you just ladle it out like you’re slopping the hogs. If you have ten guests for Thanksgiving dinner, this bucket will last through a number of major food holidays, because it probably doesn’t have a shelf life, and you can be comfortably assured that those particular guests will never return for a meal at your house. The brand name for this product is Chef’s Banquet whose slogan is ‘Dinner for the Dining Impaired’. It wasn’t produced by a chef and certainly far from a banquet.

The ‘Eat All You Want and the Heck with Those Other Guys Council’ (EAYWHWTOGC) (Not a real council) vehemently opposed any limitations on an American’s right to veg out and get larded up during the holiday season. They rolled out a menu that will enable the American eater to stay so far ahead of the obesity curve that Mexico can never catch up even if they add a half pound of fatty cheddar to any meal.

“We’re all going to get there someday” said a representative of the council in between bites of a large slice of pumpkin pie slathered in lard, “Hey, it’s the holidays” he said wiping his chin, “I’ll join a gym in January…..or not”.

On the other side of the plate…..

PETA, in association with the FAFC (Farmers against Food Cruelty) released a Thanksgiving dinner sure to please even the most hardcore food zealot. It’s comprised of green things you would not touch even if you had too much to drink. “Tofurky is not the answer” they said, “Eating tofu is just as bad as killing an innocent turkey animal crafted from tofu stuff. Sometimes, thoughtless people will shape the tofu into what looks like a professional turkey just for the thrill of seeing a fellow vegan’s face as it contorts in momentary horror.

A press release from the Tofu Foundation assures us that ‘Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing it into soft white blocks, so it looks edible’. The curd is ripped from the bean and stuffed into boxes by workers who will have to leave the country soon. They don’t care how they manhandle those innocent beans or its curd. Beans have feelings too. Let’s not forget all the potatoes who have died in the inhumane mashing process to produce your mashed potato dish. Potatoes have eyes, you have eyes, HellOOOOOoooo.

Welcome to the holidays! Exercising your God given right is about as much exercise as the average American can take. Happy eating! BTW, the mac and cheese is $89 and set your scales back 5 pounds this week!