What does (name any large corporation) do with your personal information? Have you received this notification in your snail mail?
Dear customer,
Companies such as ours choose how we share your personal information, but it isn’t as if we peruse each individual customer’s private data, we just acquire the whole load and utilize it any way we can monetize it. Utilize and monetize, that’s our mantra!
Just to be fair, Federal law gives consumers the right to limit some, but not all sharing. When we say ‘some’ we mean equal to the smallest most infinitesimal amount of data that doesn’t mean anything, like the period at the end of this sentence. Have we made ourselves clear? We’ll control all the good marketable information!
We’ve made sure of that with some tasty lobbyist lunches and dinners at posh Washington eateries you could never afford. They also require us to tell you how we collect, share, yes, and sometimes laugh at your personal information in the privacy of our limited office space. Please read this notice carefully to understand what we are doing. Understand also that the government forces us to do this for you, or is it ‘to you’ LOL!
First, recognize that we employ many lawyers to write these practices, and they make a good living covering our butts from people who want to cause ‘trouble’ or ‘protect their so-called interests’.
Here is the reason we can share your personal information. Because we can!
We can share your information for everyday business purposes, marketing purposes, joint marketing and our affiliate’s everyday business purposes. Can you do anything about it? NO!
The reason you can’t catch us doing this is because we utilize the smallest type and largest number of words hidden in a mail-out to disguise what we are doing in this disclosure. It’s the envelope marked VERY IMPORTANT READ IMMEDIATELY. You’re not even reading this now because you have a life, and we know that. We know that because WE HAVE ALL YOUR DAMN INFORMATION!!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! LOL
Can we sell your financial information, social security number, bank statement, or other credit information? You bet your butt! You may be able to ‘opt out’ of this, but we’ll come clean here and figure that only the tiniest percentage of people realize this has happened and even then, not many will call us on it. We’ll simply fess up to them and send a pre-paid gift card to get them off our back. These cards can only be used by retailers who have a ‘business affiliation’ with us. We’ll include the amount in your next 6 billing statements and disguise it as a ‘federal transaction adjustment fee’ so even then, we’re making money on you. LOL! (Even your lawyer can’t figure this one out)
Bottom line: If you’re persistent in wanting to hold our feet to the fire for any perceived wrongdoing call the 800 number at the bottom of this page and we’ll subject you to the most rigorous phone messaging system you’ve ever encountered. It doesn’t matter which number you press. If you thought your cable provider employed a byzantine system to keep you at bay give us a try! If, after a couple of hours you’ve given up, know that you’re in good company.
Thank you and try to have a good day.
