Contact sports are not the easiest sports to engage in when you reach the age of bruising for no apparent reason. We start our sporting life with heavy contact, easing off as bones became more brittle and insurance became less available.
We heard about a game called ‘corn hole’. I don’t know where it got that name, except that it involves a bag of corn and a hole. You chuck the bag into the hole. Simple, basic. If you’ve ever littered, then you’ve got the essentials of the corn hole game. We shall not get into the actual derivation of its name as it occupies a space not spoken of in polite company.
It’s a non-contact sport, the type of which is becoming more popular as the country ages. The contact sport we like is when our hand curls around a cold glass of beer. At that point you may become soused which was a euphemism for altering your consciousness with alcohol or another euphemism of the Boomer age, getting ‘pickled’. Did Pickle ball morph from the term ‘getting pickled’? Do you need to be ‘soused’ to play. No, it just looks like that. If you remember the famous herky-jerky dance the character ‘Elaine’ did on a famous Seinfeld episode, then you have a feel for the type of moves you may experience while watching a pickle ball match.
Pickle ball: is it a sport for bad knees and failing eyesight or a new senior mingle? As America ages and gains weight, we need new ways to prove we’re exercising. With the invention of a substance called ‘nerf’ we’re able to throw and sometimes catch a ball that wouldn’t hurt our hands. That was a step in the right direction and a leap into the future of sports for the aging. You can keep all the board games, card games and dice but let’s add an option for a sport that doesn’t require us to buy new expensive clothing. A serious tennis player wears an ensemble, but a serious pickle baller wears their everyday clothes.
When the Pickle ball craze catches on with our more established sports, how would the old rules change for the new participants? How would pickle-football be played? Pickle-baseball? Pickle-ice-hockey or Pickle-bowling?
In the newly minted sport of pickle-bowling the lane would be about 10 feet in length with at least 25 pins scattered throughout. Balls would be no heavier than 4 pounds and players will wear Skechers with a no slip grip. Toss the standard beer and substitute a light Chardonnay and scented candles which would pair well with this exercise. If you ‘break a sweat’ you’re out!
In Pickle-football the primary rule would have to be no touching and no tackling. Also, the field would be about 30 feet in length. No need to get out of breath. There would be a Metamucil® break after every series of downs. Players would not have to kneel prior to a snap but merely hang out until something happens. Note: Not a real snap; that would be too fast. Let’s make it a slow hand-off with plenty of eye contact. There would be a large scoreboard, not to keep score, but to remind the players which game they’re playing.
Pickle-Poker is played with 10 wild cards, so everyone gets a great hand every deal. The only bet is how many times Uncle Benny will need to use the bathroom during a given round. Pickle Strip Poker will be played in reverse. Players start out in the buff and then cover up. This is where those 10 wild cards will come in handy.
In Canada where the sport of Curling dominates, we don’t need to change the rules. There’s drinking, something with a broom and lots of shouting. Sounds like a typical Saturday night around the local witches’ cauldron.
There is no ice in pickle ice hockey for the obvious reason. Your health plan will not cover it. Instead, you pretend to wear skates and dance with a partner in a large oval rink to music from the fifties.
Pickle baseball is played just like regular baseball but only on the infield. A whiffle beach ball subs for the regular hard ball with butterfly nets for catching. For spectators, there’s an umpire of similar age so when you yell “the ump is blind” it’s true. The seventh inning stretch is mandatory and includes a 2nd, 4th and 6th inning stretch for those who can.
If Pickle ball is the future or a passing fad, it matters not. The important thing to remember is where you parked your car.