There are many reasons to live in Florida not one of which is sharing space with the lowly mosquito. We live in paradise but so do they. We worry about Traffic, health issues and workplace idiots but the sound of a mosquito buzzing in our ear is like Yoko Ono singing Pagliacci under a running faucet. A mosquito is just as annoying as the My Pillow Huckster with a brand-new conspiracy theory.

Swatting at them is an endless task, both messy and fruitless. The mosquitos don’t like it either. They’ve organized and hired lawyers to fight the swatting. Are they that much different than us? A PETA lawyer acting for a coalition of local mosquitos has filed a lawsuit to stop the heal. They demand no swatting, no Deet and healthy, blood-filled victims without sleeves.

Male mosquitoes will live only 6 or 7 days on average, feeding primarily on plant nectar, and your blood. Females with an adequate food supply can live up to 5 months or longer. This is a problem for the males, as they don’t have a lot of time to hook up with a willing female. There are no get togethers for procreation, so it has to happen spontaneously because of the short life span. Forget about singles night flying around a half-chewed mango that some rabid squirrel threw away. There’s hardly any time to get to know your immediate germ laden family, much less start a new one.

The Keys mosquito population has gone through a cleansing of sorts during the State’s program of sterilizing them in the last couple of years. This was as bad for them as Covid is for us. Many survived to relate the horror to their progeny. Teams of personnel were trained in the use of teeny tiny instruments for the process, but they would sometimes slip and cut off a leg or an arm. It was so difficult to tell the difference. Note to reader: If you happen to see one on crutches, you know what happened.

A mosquito representative related the following information at a hastily called news conference. “We have a really short life span and my friends and I would like to see Miami Beach and the rest of the Keys before we die, which could be any moment. “We came from the slums and dirt of America” said one mosquito “and now have a chance to see the country’s fun spots before we expire. We’re just like undocumented aliens except we fly and infect people.”

They’re discriminating against insect Americans here and it’s a crime” said the PETA spokesperson, “I’ve seen zombies lurching through the streets late at night and what do they do? They hold ‘zombie nights’ for them at clubs. We should get equal treatment. A mosquito Rave would do much to relieve the stress some of them are going through.”

“We haven’t come up with a complete plan, but we have started printing tiny signs to be posted in areas suspected of harboring the mosquitos” said mosquito control expert Bob Zater. “We know mosquitos can’t read, but the signs will have little pictures of them with a slash through the middle telling them they are not wanted here.”

For the bottom line, don’t get mad at a mosquito and say bite me!








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