Let’s all take a collective breath and think about the sheer number of calories we consumed on Thanksgiving Day.

The ‘Calorie Control Council’, (CCC) an international association representing the low- and reduced-calorie food and beverage industry (A real council) reports that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories and enough fat to produce three sticks of butter on Thanksgiving Day.

When they discovered this fact, the ‘average American’ ran outside and threw up. When they came to their senses, they then realized that if they could sell those three sticks of butter, they would make enough money to buy more food for next thanksgiving.

The ‘Eat All You Want and the Heck with Those Other Guys Council’ (EAYWHWTOGC) (Not a real council) vehemently opposed any limitations on an American’s right to veg out and get fat during the holiday season. They rolled out a menu that will enable the American eater to stay ahead of the obesity curve. “We’re all going to get there someday, so WTF” (Welcome to Floriduh) said a representative of the council in between bites of a large slice of pumpkin pie slathered in lard, “Hey, it’s the holidays” he said wiping his chin, “I’ll join a gym in January…..or not”.

On the other side of the plate…..

PETA, in association with the FAFC (Farmers against Food Cruelty) released a Thanksgiving dinner sure to please even the most hardcore food zealot. It’s comprised of green things you would not touch even if you had too much to drink. “Tofurky is not the answer” they said, (See previous paragraph) “Eating tofu is just as bad as killing an innocent turkey animal crafted from tofu stuff. Sometimes, thoughtless people will shape the tofu into what looks like a professional turkey just for the thrill of seeing a fellow vegan’s face as it contorts in momentary horror.

A press release from the Tofu Foundation assures us that “Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing it into soft white blocks, so it looks edible. The curd is ripped from the bean and stuffed into boxes by workers who will have to leave the country soon. They don’t care how they manhandle those innocent beans or its curd. Beans have feelings too. Let’s not forget all the potatoes who have died to produce your mashed potato dish. Potatoes have eyes, you have eyes, HellOOOOOoooo.

The typical holiday meal is full of components that deceive. Don’t let anyone tell you that ‘stuffing’ is just bread. Have you read the label of ingredients? Can you pronounce them? Probably not, because you’re too busy eating.

Black Friday was conceived by marketers as a day to get you out of the house and exercise your God given right to get into debt by purchasing more things and moving just enough to build an appetite. Welcome to the holidays! Exercising your God give right is about as much exercise as the average American can stand. Happy eating!

 

 

 

 

 

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