The dawn of the un-wrapping of our cocooned existence is in sight. Speaking of sight, 2020 will no longer mean ‘good eyesight’. The mere mention will cause even a level-headed healthy person to throw up in their mouth. Can I stop loading up on toilet paper?

Now that the State of Florida has said, in effect, it’s all right to go out among your fellow Floridians, we’re all safe here! There are no travel restrictions except that people north of Disney World cannot and will not venture into Miami-Dade unless they identify as a Florida Man. Our reputation precedes us.

As we crawl unsteadily from our bunkers, and blink at the sunlight outside, we realize Tallahassee has our best interests at heart. They’ll begin working on sea level rise when it becomes necessary. We’re so lucky! Caveat: Just because Miami-Dade has been separated from the rest of the State doesn’t mean they don’t like us. They’re treating us like an old hunk of bad cheese sitting at the rear of the vegetable crisper since March.

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Bars and restaurants are now open to full capacity because the powers to be say “Nuff!”

I for one, love the new rules. In the days of post-lock-down and pre total openness, a night out involved math. I wanted to leave math at home school where it belongs. It was difficult to arrive at a restaurant, count the number of seats and patrons and figure out if my party would tip the safe capacity-load to over 50%. With a stiff drink I could even tolerate a 60% capacity. At that point, who’s counting? Hold your drink with one hand and shout to your friends across the dining room.

You can still practice the ancient art of self-distancing, but which social barometer is best? In Europe it’s one meter, or about 3 feet. In the US where we seem to be a little more paranoid, it started at 6 feet. That was the original safe distance and when people of science got together, they decided that when an infected person coughed it should be more.

Coughing, or one minute of loud speaking (The basic rule in Miami-Dade as measured in the main dining room of the Versailles Restaurant) can produce oral droplets with a load of 7 million SARS-CoV-2 virus per milliliter that can remain for more than eight minutes. It’s time to leave the planet! A sneeze can distribute such droplets as far as 7 or 8 meters which is 26 feet! Might as well stay home.

For the public’s right to know, here are some instructions buried further down the official page of do’s and don’ts.

!, There are no ‘don’t’s, do whatever you like in public. This includes making fun of the last remaining maskers, but be careful here, do you know what the third wave is?

2, Feel free to ‘close the 6-foot gap’ as you interact with your fellow happy travelers and sign the disclaimer for any legalities directed at the State.

3, Used masks will be sent to a maskeseum (A mask museum) for future generations to see what we’ve had to put up with in 2020.

4, Yes, you caused the whole mess by not forwarding that email to 10 of your friends.

5, Health tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand it stops you from touching your face.

6, Once again, please sign and return the ‘I will not sue the State’ disclaimer to Tallahassee. We’re glad to keep the population informed yet subdued.

This coming Halloween 2020 is a gift to trick or treaters. You don’t need a costume. Just show up at someone’s door without a mask and they’ll throw all kinds of candy at your bag from at least 6 feet away! If you feel the need to really disguise yourself, burn a mask, save the ashes and use them to craft a spooky zombie face.

Good luck! A note for choc-a-holics: Halloween candy half-off sales have already started! Stock up, it’s not over!

 

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Buzz Fleischman is a Humorist and singer/songwriter of ‘irregular songs for regular people’ and a character actor who has appeared in and voiced TV commercials and radio. He currently hosts and produces the Joltradio.org interview show “On the Record and Off the Wall’. http://www.joltradio.org/artist/on-the-record-and-off-the-wall-with-buzz-fleischman Buzz was the humorist on the NPR affiliate WLRN for 12 years and has been a featured speaker for significant local and national conferences, conventions and organizations. He is a docent at the Curtiss Mansion and is fascinated by the history of Miami Springs and its interesting residents. http://www.theradiobuzz.com

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