As huge a problem as it is, forget about the melting of our polar ice caps, there’s a bigger predicament being let loose in fields all over the world. Question: Which of the following creatures expel gas? 1, Millipedes; 2, cows; 3, Whales; 4, Herring; 5, Zebras. We could go on and on. Answer: They all do! “Does It Fart?”, a book by Dani Rabaiotti of the Zoological Society of London and Virginia Tech conservationist Nick Caruso say dozens of species do. This is a bodily function we do not speak of in polite society but let that odd one rip and gales of laughter could ensue. Let it happen in the wrong place (Use your imagination) and the laughter might never stop.
Millipedes are discreet in their flatulence. We don’t know what kind of research produced that fact because number 1, it’s got to be practically inaudible and number 2, who really wants to get that close to the business end of a millipede?
If you startle a zebra it will fart with each stride as it runs away. That would be the funniest viral video ever viewed. Even thinking of a running zebra allows me to visit the churlish side of my Laugh-O-Meter. By the way, and it’s a true fact that several species of herring communicate with each other that way. Sooo; it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that if your boyfriend (husband, son, neighbor etc.) has a problem in that area or is titillated by the actual sound or variety thereof, maybe they (he) was only doing some unfunded research into causal asphyxiant flatulence. Flatulence signals a baboon is ready to mate. For the Mexican Bolson pupfish, it’s fart or die. They feed on algae that make them buoyant and easy prey as they swim near the surface. Flatulence sinks them to safety.
Not so for the Washington legislation that would control carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases: ‘GHG’, being spewed into the atmosphere. Vehicles that burn carbon-based fuels harm the environment by increasing global warming, but Congress may be looking at this problem from the wrong angle. Emissions in the form of methane from ruminant livestock such as pigs, sheep, goats and especially cows pose a significant risk to the environment as well. Cow farts are no joke!
Methane’s heat-trapping power in the atmosphere is more than 20 times stronger than carbon dioxide. A population of 1.3 billion cows belch and emit methane from their ‘tailpipe’ in fields all over the world all the time. It’s not just Rudy Guiliani! Research has shown that the average cow expels 600 liters of methane a day. If that cow alone could be ‘harnessed’ we’d start to solve all our propulsion problems. With 100 million cows in the US alone you can start to see the problem. But does the problem end there?
We’ve been told that sea level rise will cause us all to move to Kansas. There’s a hitch due to the fact that there is not one single ‘La Ventanita’ in Kansas. If you feel you need a nap mid-afternoon, Kansas is the place to be. It will take more than the complete inundation of Miami Beach for us to even think about moving to a ‘dry spot’ like that.
And then there are the cows. In fact, there are two bovine flatulence measures on the Agriculture Committee. The EPA administrator has said the agency has no intention of regulating livestock emissions, although some in the American Farm Bureau think Congress should poke their head into the problem….and keep it there. Some have posited that people looking for work can learn the art of ‘cow bagging’. If you can affix a bag to the cow’s end and capture the methane, you’re not only brave but really need the money.
This brings us to an unmentioned source of methane: people with gas. With 8,000 Americans reaching the age of 65 each day, it won’t be long before seniors outnumber cows. Of course, the emissions do not provide the same amount, with a cow weighing about 1200 lbs and a man weighing 170, but if you feed that man any kind of bean all day, it’s a horse race to the gas house.
The Senate cow tax bill, S.B. 527, said that if the EPA regulates all types of gases within the Clean Air Act they will, by law, have to regulate all sources and all emitters.
Write or call your Congressperson today and tell them to leave grandpa’s butt alone!
If Washington can’t get to the bottom of this issue, stock up on Gas-X or Beano now!
