The modern technical devices that enable us to accomplish so many tasks, also allow us to track a package from first contact to delivery, and they work inside our body too. With a penchant for following ‘things’ to their ultimate destination, we have been able to track a pizza all the way from first phone call through delivery and more…..

Technology tells us whatever we want to know whenever we want it. This includes our pizza delivery. GPS tracking enables your pizza makers to let you know what’s happening with your order ‘right now and every moment.’ Let’s track that order as it really happens……..

You address Siri, or whatever ‘helper’ you have on your home eavesdropping device with the proper question.

“Siri, I’d like a pepperoni pizza delivered.”

Siri will then answer back, “But sir, you’ve eaten pizza three times this week and both the internet connected bathroom scale and the refrigerator informed me that your blood sugar rose to an unacceptable level because of all the bread, and you’ve put on a half- pound since then. By the way, your kids know it was you who ate their emergency chocolate bunny saved from 3 Easters ago.”

At that point, hide the Siri device under a pillow, pick up the phone and make the order yourself, the machines have not taken over to the extent they are running your life, although they would like to.

You: “I’d like a pepperoni pizza delivered.”

“Yes sir, here’s your tracking number”.

And now we let technology take over.

5:58PM The ‘pizza chef’, Johnny, (Not his real name), a part time student and bass player, walks in the back door from his smoke break and makes a timid effort to wash his hands without soap or hot water. He ambles to the shelf, on the way hitting a ‘send’ button to his Facebook friends letting them know he’s at work.

6PM Your pizza dough is taken from the Use me first tray and tossed in the air as close to the refrigerator’s ceiling in a kind of game ‘Johnny’ plays as he strolls out of the walk-in.

6:01 The lump of dough is slammed onto the prep table as Johnny blows the excess powder from it to clear it off and presses the ’30 minutes from store to table’ button as he pretends to take care of business.

6:03PM In a demonstration of multi-tasking, your dough is flattened as Johnny takes a call from his girlfriend with his free hand.

6:04PM Sauce, cheese, pepperoni and olives are added, and it slides into the oven, and no, that mis-shapen olive is not a tracking device, it fell onto the pie from the bottom of the olive bag where it festered for a couple of weeks.

6:15 It comes out, gets packaged and moved out to the delivery vehicle.

6:18 Delivery vehicle makes only 2 stops on the way to your house. First to 7-11 for some gum and Johnny’s good friend Marty’s house, for the homework Johnny never turned in, but thanks to a bag of garlic bread for Marty, he’ll pass the class.

Why stop now? With Radio Frequency Identification, (RFID) which are really small, battery-less microchips (Which almost look like a mis-shapen olive) that can be attached to consumer goods, cattle, vehicles and other objects to track their movements, we can now keep tracking that pizza. Why? Because we can!

6:29 the first hot bite is taken, chewed and mixed with some Lite Beer.

6:30 With that first bite your RFID notices enzymes in your saliva which break down the carbohydrates in the bread. The pepperoni won’t break down until about 2 weeks after it has left the system.

6:16 The epiglottis, a flexible flap over the trachea opens and allows the pizza to slowly make its way to the stomach where it will stay about 20 minutes, or based on the amount of beer, it can come right back up for a round trip.

6:35 It travels to the small intestine, where it is met with the juices that will turn it into something which can give your body nourishment equal to 2 Ritz Crackers with catsup. The body starts to realize you aren’t treating it kindly and sends some signals to the brain that it would like to start emitting noxious gases as a way to keep the people away who are feeding you this stuff.

7PM It winds its way through 15 feet or more of intestine as your body slows down to digest. By now the body knows you haven’t treated it well and needs to inform you of a new development.  Here’s when you retrieve Siri from under the pillow to ask, “Siri, order some Mylanta or Gaviscon, and let me know when it gets here!”




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