It should have been a somber occasion. We found ourselves looking at caskets. We never expected to be looking at caskets but there they were. It was a beautiful display.

There were a lot people there and you would think it was a big family affair. We looked to our left and there, a few paces away stood a stainless steel free standing adjustable digital temperature display unit with slide-out wood faced metal shelves. I said to myself “Shades of Lenin’s Tomb; is this for a grieving family who can’t let go and want their loved one kept at home in a temperature-controlled environment?”. …… Wait a minute! I looked at the sign on top and it was a portable wine cooler!

On the other side of the casket display was a kiosk selling vacation getaways. Maybe that’s what people want in their time of need. Talk about full service, wow these price clubs have everything! The casket display was the first thing we saw after joining. Beyond that was a shopper’s fantasy as far as the eye could see.

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A friend who was a member, had been extolling their virtues for a while now and we felt the need to investigate. I have to tell you I was afraid to join a price club because I’m a sucker for a good deal and I feared that every square inch of my closet space would be taken up by 90 pack rolls of toilet paper and 5-gallon jars of guacamole dip. I didn’t know if we could save enough on toilet paper to make back the membership. We would probably have to invite the neighbors in to use the facilities and I think I would overdose on guacamole dip. I’m not a joiner, but I was glad to join a club where the most important thing to do was to was shop. There’s camaraderie among shoppers who discover that the massage chair on special also has a built-in scale.

Other clubs and organizations want you go to meetings, stuff envelopes and chair a committee. I want to go shopping stuff myself and buy a chair. And shop we did. We checked out every square acre in awe of the deals. This place was big. The shopping carts had odometers. You could fit the Pentagon in one corner. With the commitment of that much time for shopping you’ve almost got to pack a lunch, but they’ve even taken care of that. To help keep us going, there was a food tasting at the end of every aisle like a little Costco customer calorie counter. The tiny plastic cups of natural organic Earth friendly vitamin enriched and ethically grown oats, bran and soy medley were just what we needed. They provided a natural balance to the USDA approved foot long hot dogs sold at the snack shop.

It looked like they had everything, so what could be next? Well, they’re already selling caskets, so why not have the whole funeral right there. Since the casket delivery might take a couple of days, you could store your loved one next to the 48 pack fish sticks in the freezer section. And the final arrangements? They already had pianos and organs; all we needed was a price club employee with rhythm.

They could block off the deceased’s favorite section; say home and garden. The artificial flowers made sort of a lovely background anyway. You could have a special video tribute on any number of ‘on sale’ digital screens because High-def television would make them seem so, well……lifelike.

 

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